It seems to be a trend for me to post blogs in the early morning when most people are in their bed, or something close to it, sleep or coming home from the club and I’m wide eyed in bed with my mind racing. Damn insomnia kicks my butt every time. However, tonight, I’m awake for a different reason.
Tonight, well earlier this evening, my mother was admitted to the hospital because she had a mild stroke. I, as the dutiful daughter I am, tried my best to help her feel better, because she said her left leg was paining her something serious and we thought it was a pinched nerve. However, I didn’t go to the hospital with her, I stayed home, and I feel like absolute shit because I feel that I need to be there with her. Though she told me I didn’t need to come with her, I feel as if I let her down because I didn’t press the issue on going with her.
Not only that, but I feel so alone with all of this. My mother, is a very strong woman, she raised not only me but her brother’s kids as if they were her own, only for them to turn on her, which is another story, amongst many other children she took care of. She was also a teacher for many years and does for others before herself and she is an ovarian cancer survivor. And for me to not be able to help her, I feel so useless and helpless. Like it’s even just the 2 of us for as long as I can remember and I can’t afford to loose her. I can guarantee y’all that I’ll pull a “Kanye” and loose the entirety of my cool.
And you may ask, well Asha, why not tell a friend? Tell them about your fears and concerns about your mother. And though in a perfect world, I would do that, on one hand I want to talk about it, but on another hand I don’t want to worry others with my crazed and slightly irrational controlled hysteria. I’ve told one of my good friends who is a big sis to me, mainly because I was in the process of texting her when I spoke with my mother and seconds because I had literally just got off the phone with he helping her vent about a petty argument she had with her live-in gf. But other than that, none of my other friends know, though I’ll probably call Mr. Scholarly tomorrow so I can soak in some of his serenity and inner peace.
That and another facet of my intense worry and concern is deeply rooted in my anger at my absent father. And in sure people are going to be like ummmmm Asha….why in the hell are you angry at a man who doesn’t even know that you’re angry at him, isn’t that like drinking poison and expecting him to get sick? And the answer is yes, I know it is counter productive and not healthy, however it helps me focus my anger on someone who in many cases deserves is, and in others does not. I rarely need him, as an adult, however it is times like these when you need the strength of a father in times of emotional and mental unrest. In essence, my anger is wrapped up in “I need you now and you’re nowhere to be found/contacted and as you’re only/oldest blood child, I feel cheated but very scared.”
But in spite of all of that my mother is, well the last time I spoke with her before they put her in her room so she could rest because she hadn’t slept well last night, is in very good spirits taking selfies and fussing about “The Vampires” who knew coming for her blood. I guess all I can do is put it in the hands of The Lord and trust in the doctors at the hospital will do everything in their power to figure out what happened and why.
P.S. I am happy to note that at this point, my mother is back home and she is doing better; I wrote this late Saturday night/early Sunday morning while my mother was in the hospital.