The Only Child Struggle

It seems to be a trend for me to post blogs in the early morning when most people are in their bed, or something close to it, sleep or coming home from the club and I’m wide eyed in bed with my mind racing. Damn insomnia kicks my butt every time. However, tonight, I’m awake for a different reason.

Tonight, well earlier this evening, my mother was admitted to the hospital because she had a mild stroke. I, as the dutiful daughter I am, tried my best to help her feel better, because she said her left leg was paining her something serious and we thought it was a pinched nerve. However, I didn’t go to the hospital with her, I stayed home, and I feel like absolute shit because I feel that I need to be there with her. Though she told me I didn’t need to come with her, I feel as if I let her down because I didn’t press the issue on going with her.

Not only that, but I feel so alone with all of this. My mother, is a very strong woman, she raised not only me but her brother’s kids as if they were her own, only for them to turn on her, which is another story, amongst many other children she took care of. She was also a teacher for many years and does for others before herself and she is an ovarian cancer survivor. And for me to not be able to help her, I feel so useless and helpless. Like it’s even just the 2 of us for as long as I can remember and I can’t afford to loose her. I can guarantee y’all that I’ll pull a “Kanye” and loose the entirety of my cool.

And you may ask, well Asha, why not tell a friend? Tell them about your fears and concerns about your mother. And though in a perfect world, I would do that, on one hand I want to talk about it, but on another hand I don’t want to worry others with my crazed and slightly irrational controlled hysteria. I’ve told one of my good friends who is a big sis to me, mainly because I was in the process of texting her when I spoke with my mother and seconds because I had literally just got off the phone with he helping her vent about a petty argument she had with her live-in gf. But other than that, none of my other friends know, though I’ll probably call Mr. Scholarly tomorrow so I can soak in some of his serenity and inner peace.

That and another facet of my intense worry and concern is deeply rooted in my anger at my absent father. And in sure people are going to be like ummmmm Asha….why in the hell are you angry at a man who doesn’t even know that you’re angry at him, isn’t that like drinking poison and expecting him to get sick? And the answer is yes, I know it is counter productive and not healthy, however it helps me focus my anger on someone who in many cases deserves is, and in others does not. I rarely need him, as an adult, however it is times like these when you need the strength of a father in times of emotional and mental unrest. In essence, my anger is wrapped up in “I need you now and you’re nowhere to be found/contacted and as you’re only/oldest blood child, I feel cheated but very scared.”

But in spite of all of that my mother is, well the last time I spoke with her before they put her in her room so she could rest because she hadn’t slept well last night, is in very good spirits taking selfies and fussing about “The Vampires” who knew coming for her blood. I guess all I can do is put it in the hands of The Lord and trust in the doctors at the hospital will do everything in their power to figure out what happened and why.

I think since I’m up, I’m going to wash some clothes and clean my kitten’s litter pan and hopefully take a nap.

 

P.S. I am happy to note that at this point, my mother is back home and she is doing better; I wrote this late Saturday night/early Sunday morning while my mother was in the hospital.

Advertisements

Words With Friends (and Family)

So…once again, my family is having that universal “When are you going to bring a nice boy home?” or the always popular “Why are you always single, but you always give out such great relationship advice?” Though I love my family, this unnecessary line of conversation is highly draining.

Image  Though I am glad that my family is, what you would call “concerned” about my relationship well-being. At the end of the day, I feel that as a young 22 year old woman who comes from a very close knit multiracial family, who has no children, finished with school, working and is trying to move up in the world I have no need to be attached to anyone at this moment. And when my friends have this convo with me, their main thing is, “What about sex? We don’t want you to get all pent up and high strung because you aren’t getting any.” Now I know my friends mean well, but jeez give me a break! Sex is so low on my “Things To Do” list is in the most minute fine print at the bottom of the page. My main thing is, with regards to sex, it is a distraction and it really doesn’t appeal to me at the end of the day.

I don’t know, maybe I’m strange, where most of the people in my group, of friends, are hype to go out clubbing, I am content to go to a jazz lounge and listen to music with a drink and dinner; or they’re talking about where they went with “their bae” last weekend and I’m like I went to a gallery opening on Impressionist Art alone and had a ball. I can’t explain it but I’m just not impressed with being attached to anyone, which could mainly be because I get bored very easily and I know, at times, I am not the easiest person to get along with. I guess I just want to save someone the headache, and a bit of heartache on both sides. Like I have friends who’re married with children/children on the way, in a relationship with kids, or have been dating for a long time and I’m over here in my little corner of the world wondering what color my next gel manicure is going to be.

Actually, if memory serves me right, I was having this same conversation with my super darling, who I’ll call Mr. Scholarly, not too long ago. We are in the same age group, but he has a year and a half on me, and we quite literally grew up together because his parents are my god parents and my mother, aka The Queen, is his and his older sister’s god mother…so we have a history lol. But we went out to dinner, as we’re very prone to do whenever he is in town from school, and we were talking about our relationships, or lack there of. And his thing was though he feels the innate urge to look for someone to settle with and “nest”, he at the same time being a young man doesn’t want to limit himself to one person in the prime of his life. And as someone in a similar situation, and who knows him very well, can help to agree. For me, my thing is, I want to be able to travel and come and go as I please and only, really, answer to my mother because I am her only child and she worries. I don’t want to have to worry about where my mate is or what he is doing and things of that nature, and  also don’t want them to worry about me. Over a carafe of icy sangria at Nandos for dinner, we agreed that though we want to be attached to someone in the near future, we do not enjoy the clingy-ness that comes with having a title of bf/gf.

For Mr. Scholarly, I’m not going to lie, he is a very kind, attractive and highly intelligent young man of color, who comes from a well to do family, who is currently attending Harvard Law and already has a masters in econ from Uni. of London School of Economics. For him, it is fairly easy for him to find and date a young woman, though it usually doesn’t last long, it is never too hard for him. For me, I am the average girl next door, working on finishing my bachelors in Art History aka a degree that I have no idea what I’m going to do with. I come from a good background and I’m a jack-of-many-trades. Though it is not hard for me to get a date, my issue is I don’t make enough/have the time to really devote to a long standing, healthy, relationship. But, with that in mind, I give amazing relationship advice because I’ve been in some bizarre to down right unhealthy and abusive relationships that most of my friends, let alone my mother, know about until well after the fact. So I know what to say to help you make your relationship better, if it can be fixed, or I’ll tell you to terminate it if i feel it’s in your best interests.

However, with all that being said, I can guarantee that at the next big family gathering, I will hear the “Why are you always single?” question from more than 1 relative. I guess I’ll just have to tell them, I’m starting off early as a “crazy cat lady” seeing is I already have one bad ass kitten that my mom wants to give away.

Musings From a Recovering People Pleaser

How appropriate to my being at this moment in my life…

for the love of hope

For those of you who don’t know, I’m what they call a “people pleaser” at the core of my nature. I spend way too much of my time and energy thinking about how to make people happy even if it makes me sad; if I absolutely have to say “no” to people, I spend heaps of hours mulling over their hurt feelings and searching my heart for how I can make things better.

I used to think this “people pleasing problem” was really not a problem at all. I mean c’mon, I’m TOO NICE?! I want people to be happy. I want people to like me. What’s the big deal?

However, over the last few years I’ve learned how this is indeed a big deal. It’s exhausting and self-deprecating. I try to take care of other people and be all selfless, and really I only end up hurting myself and…

View original post 838 more words

Costco run after snow, with the threat of more snow…NEVER AGAIN

So to be totally true and pure to myself, I am going to start my blog and end my night, with a mini-rant. This isn’t to say that I am an angry person or someone who complains often, depending on who you ask. I am just one of those types who lacks a lot of patience with other, hopefully/maybe/kinda-sorta, like-minded adults and their off spring in large public/private settings. I don’t like people who don’t know how to control themselves when in a public place, like Costco and its parking lot, and act a fool like they are the Queen/King of a small country.

I went to Costco today with my mother, for mainly household products and other things I wanted and didn’t need but bought because Costco is the damn Devil! Which I will touch on in another blog. But I swear, people in DC don’t know how to act after a minor snow. I could see if we had the major blizzard aka “Snow-mageddon” from 2009 or as I called it “The Fuckin Bullshit” because I was stuck in the house with my mother, my pets and 3 small children all under the age of 5 at the time. All DC had was less than a foot of snow and they’re at the store like they are trying to stock up for a total shut down. In the parking lot blocking aisles, fighting over parking spaces, cussing each other out over a space “closer” to the entrance. Even my own mother threw in her proverbial hat into the ring and I was like

“Really ma’am…its a parking spot. I want to get in and out because I know it’s going to be a mad house inside if it’s like this outside; I don’t have the time or patience for this foolishness.”

And as I predicted, it was fuckin insanity inside. People blocking aisles with their carts they walked away from, standing in the middle of an already narrow aisle having a full blown convo with somebody like there isn’t anybody trying to get by them, and the children. Now I love the babies, I really do; however, Costco on a Sunday, after a snow and preparing for another bit of snow,where people are trying to get in and out, is NOT the place for bad ass kids running around fuckin’ shit up along with my very limited patience!

The few highlights of my trip to Costco, was I got a great deal on a mac & cheese tray, I got my favorite lunch of a hot dog combo with deli mustard an hella onions and a Pepsi and a hot and fresh churro. I guess it’s the small things that count…eh

 

Sooo what did learn today:

  1. If a Sunday Costco run is a thing, go super early.
  2. If I must go to Costco after side-eye worthy weather, fight the urge unless it is truly necessary.
  3. Do not cuss shoppers out, in-front of their family, and almost cause a scene because they were being assholes and standing in the middle of the aisle talking and blocking the way, eve if you were right.
  4. If you turn up your music loud enough, you can drown out the noise and keep your patience in check.
  5. Cheap hotdog lunches and churros make everything better.